The Adventist

“I’m an Adventist.”
This was the sentence uttered on a fated day three days passed. Never met a living breathing Adventist before I tried to pick his brain.
And I’ll tell you, I was better off crucified.
The Adventist was Barag’s older brother.
Yes, I know it was a stupid endeavor.
Hey, everyone has its blond moments.
So, we were sitting beneath the star apple tree when he started preaching… The Word.
“So, you are a protestant?” I asked.
“No,” he replied “I’m a Christian.”
“Errr...”
Then there was a moment of silence
“I heard you don’t eat pork.” I stated.
“Yes, we don’t.”
“Why not?” I asked interested.
“Because they're scavengers.”
“So is the half of the carnivore population.” I reasoned out.
“Yes. But pigs don’t chew.”
“Yes they do!”
“Have you seen one?”
“Of course.”
“Then you would know they don’t chew.” He extolled.
“Oh yes they do. Try feeding them ipil-ipil. What do they do? Suck the leaves out of the stem?”
“But they still eat dirt and fesses.”
“So what? So does some people…. It’s a growing community, haven’t you heard?”
“But the pigs have hooves, which are considered as their nails, that can’t be separated from their legs. That’s a symbol of unseemliness.”
“So does the whole bovine community!”
It was a boring and unenlightening debate.
“Oh look one of my girlfriends texted me!” he suddenly exclaimed changing the topic. Obviously, since no one asked. But then he keep droning on and on about his five girlfriends when we all know he’ gay.
“Ilan syota mo (how many flings are you having with right now)?”, I asked.
“Ten.” He readily answered.
“Ilan ka-on mo (How many same sex relationship with)?” I asked him right after.
“Two.”
“Ayus! (Right!)” I stood up and went inside, my crew followed me and left him all by himself under the tree.

-----------------------------

The next day, Jun went in and gave me the latest news.
"Have you heard?"
"About what?"
"Leah and Ricky is now the latest item."
"So soon?"
"Yeah" Leah's current fling assured me.
I gave a snort.
"He's gay" I stated.
"Could be..." Jun answered doubtfully.
"Did you see the way he talks and moves? The hand gestures?” I asked. "Trust me. He's gay. I got it from the best sources."
Best sources being my siblings.
"But he has girlfriends!" he reasoned out.
"And Manny, the gay manicurist has a wife and children. And now he's having a grand affair with his wife's nephew. It's all talk. And notice girlfriends being the operative word here."
Then after a while Leah came in a while.
"Hey Leah, I heard you and Ricky are totally sweet on each other already."
"Huh? Who told?" she asked surprised by my greeting.
"Ricky himself told Jun."
"And now you know." she said laughing.
"Hey, I didn't go asking. News comes to me." I chuckled.
Leah laughed. "I'll be just playing him for a while."
I just shrugged and went to the kitchen.
By ten A.M. it was time for the wages to be given. We were all sitting by the table and I noticed Ricky staring at the restaurant when he kept passing by.
"Leah, that was the seventh time your sweetheart went by. He feels he's a ramp model or something!" I teased.
"Who cares about him." she answered.
"He's weird." I added.
"Annoying too." Matet said.

At noon, beneath the shade of the star apple tree...
"I heard you and Leah are now a couple." I said out of the blue."
"How did you know?" Ricky asked.
"Well you're the one who practically spread the news." I said. "You also texted Leah that she was easy to talk to. And you like her a lot. And you shall try and enlighten her life. And she's so easy to fall in love with. And all that just by meeting her yesterday."
"I wasn't serious. I was just playing with her."
"And why is that?"
"Because she's just playing with my friend Jun." he reasoned out.
I gawked at him.
"What are you? In kindergarten?" I asked. "Your enemy is my enemy?"
"Look, Jun knows what he went into when he had an affair with Leah. Good grief, he's a big boy." I ranted.
"Wala lang." he answered.
"Some shining example of Adventist you are." I said. "Maybe you don't even accept gay people in your religion."
"Of course we do. They can't help being gay. It's not a sin."
"Did I say it was a sin?"
"But we enlighten them. Then after that they shall walk the straight path."
"You mean they won't have any penchant for men anymore?"
"Yes, they won't."
"That's impossible. Are you gay?"
"No I'm not!" he said adamantly.
"Well, we all know you're gay... but if you were, will you admit it?"
"Of course."
"Are you gay?"
"No. I'm not gay."
"But the way you speak, move and talk shows gayness."
"A lot of people say I'm gay since I was a kid."
"And you didn't do anything to prove them otherwise?"
"I can't help it. I do household chores."
"So?"
"So, that means I do laundry, wash the dishes, and sweep the floor..."
"Which means it should help you more to develop muscles and make you manlier."
"But I have a weak heart."
"You do?" Disbelief was in my tone.
"Yes. Since I was a child I had a heart problem."
"You went to a doctor?"
"Yes, I did."
"And you found that your heart has a hole in it?"
"No."
"Then what?"
"I had a weak heart because I suppress my hate. That's why I have a heart problem."
My reaction was a stupefied "Wha..."
This guy was more demented than I imagined.

Later afternoon, we found ourselves again under the star apple tree. Then I saw Ricky passing by for the nth time. And as he was staring at me from one end to the other until he's gone from my line of vision the whole time.
"Weird" I muttered again.
"Ricky?" Jimmy asked. "He's a know-it-all."
"More like an egomaniac. I don’t know, he just rubs me the wrong way." I said.
Then Ricky went by again still staring at me. Wanting to stir some trouble Jimmy called Ricky.
Ricky, who seems to be waiting for an invitation went towards us eagerly and took one of the vacated seats.
"Are you going to read your Bible to Ching?" Jimmy goaded.
I gave Jimmy a daggered look. And from his small knapsack Ricky took out his Bible. It was a medium sized, black covered, girl-littered-pasted King James Bible.
Now people, should we give an astounded ooooh?
"Your bible seems to be rarely used except for the pictures of girls pasted everywhere." I commented.
"What kind of Bible do you have?" he asked.
"I don't have a bible." I answered.
Then he went on and on about the girls pasted on his Bible. Then he saw my earrings and rings.
"Our women are not allowed jewelries." he added.
"Why not?"
"Because, we are born without them, we must be content on what we are." He reasoned out.
"We aren't born without a stitch of clothing either, but I don't see you walking around naked. Naked we're born. Naked we die, huh?"
"But clothing is a necessity." He argued.
"Says who?" I asked, "Look at the people at the mountains. Staring at each others breast is a normalcy to them."
"But just the thought of you strutting naked, strikes the fear of God in me." I continued.
"But we don't still need jewelries because we are born complete."
"Are you circumcised?" I suddenly asked him.
"Of course." He answered shocked.
"Then you my friend are incomplete." I said.
"Ah, but the only cut it." He defended.
"Here? In the province? I doubt it. They cut out your foreskin, the one that resembles like a calamari, remember that? The thing that you fed to the fishes by the river you wade on during Holy Week? That's the one that you are missing now."
He didn't say anything.
"And what will you do when you are standing in front of the pearly gates of heaven and God says to you..."Son, I found you lacking."? Tsk. Poor you." I ended with a sympathetic pat on his back.
"What's your religion?" he suddenly remembered to ask.
I laughed.
"You, are talking to the biggest backslider of all." I said.
"So what is it now?"
"Paganism."
"You're an anti-Christ?"
"No, you fool. That's atheism. It's a totally different thing."
It must have been a big word for him by the blank look on his face. And I didn't elaborate what Atheism means.
"So, you believe in what?"
"One God, the creator of all."
"How about the Holy Trinity"
"No."
"You don't believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God?"
"No, I believe that he could be just a prophet. Although a great one."
"So, you don't believe that God has three personas?"
"Do you believe that God has a female persona?" I asked back.
"Of course not."
"You don't want to believe in two personas, but you want me to believe in three?" I shook my head. "Didn't you stop to think that God could be sexless?"
"No."
"So what does this Holy Spirit of yours do?"
"He's the comforter of God."
"He needs comfort?” I asked.
"From himself?!" I continued.
"He just comforts." He reasoned out.
"And you believe that snakes are the devils?" I asked.
"Yes, they lured Adam and Eve. They symbolize evil."
"But you do eat apples?" I asked again.
"Sure we do."
"Then I rest my case."
Then we just stared at each other.

Later about five in the afternoon, we have this tradition that we buy a half kilo of dried watermelon seeds and just sit at the shade of a tree and munch on it. . And we also have an unspoken understanding that we don't need to talk to each other. It was a good time to think and work the things in your head. It was also my favorite time of the day.
Until Ricky joined in.
"Oh no," I exclaimed after seeing him," you don't eat this kind of foods. This came from the ground. The same ground that pig's dung are used as fertilizers. It's unclean!" I explained with a mocked shudder too.
And we could all see by his face that he wants some, but pride stopped him.
My word is the living bread.
So what he did was, he took a seat and texted his so-called girlfriends.
Ha. Ha.
Then he would look at me. Then I'll just stare at him for the longest time. Then he would stare back. After some time his gaze would slide to the side.
"Ang lakas mo mag trip noh?" he said not looking at me.
Still munching on my pakwans I stared at him and replied, "Not much as you do."
"Oh really?" He said.
"Yes, really." I said and stood up as I explained. "This is what you do."
I went to the street and walked from one end of the building to the other and back again while not removing my fly-paper-stare from him.
"Won't you agree that's weird?" I asked him when I took my seat again.
"You're weird. I don't do that."
"Yes, I know I'm weird. But you are crazy." I said.
Then I remembered that it was Aeon's feeding day. I ordered Barag to take Aeon out and I would feed her.
Then later I found myself with Ricky and Matet facing each other and eating pakwan.
"Do you believe that snake symbolizes evil?"
"Yes, I still do." He said with assurance.
"Did you know that in early history God has a woman form?"
"No."
"Well He does. Before Christianity," making bunny ears on the word, "proclaimed that men are far more superior to women, they also worshiped God in his women form. And this goddess was called Asherah. And Asherah was symbolized by the animal snake. And you should know, being a Bible reading person such as yourself, the Israelites' exodus from Egypt to the promise land on one instance they were punished?" I asked him again.
"No, I'm not sure."
"Well, God was so fed up with them that He rained poisonous snake on them. And the sinning so called people of God were bitten."
"Goes to show that snakes are relative to evil.” he readily latched on that excuse.
"No. And I'm not finished. God commanded Moses to stake a pole to the ground. And you know what? He ordered Moses to put a snake on top of it. And anyone who were bitten and shall look upon it will be saved. Thus, until now medicine symbol has a snake on it."
And I went back to eating my watermelon seeds.

-----------------------------

The next day I found myself having a staring contest with Ricky.
"You are having a good time at this with my expense." he said after some minutes.
"Not as much as you were having." I replied staring at him more.
I'm really starting to hate his prescence. Even though I have been insulting him for the past hour, the guy won't quit. Talk about ego.
We've been debating today about subjects.
"I wanted to take nursing but they say I can't coz I have a weak heart."
"Right."
"I haven't eaten in twenty-four hours." he whined.
I didn't comment. There are too many solutions to that problem. My gawd the boy wants attention.
"That's why I went to accounting, because there are lots of..."
"Guys?" I interrupted. I can't take his babbling anymore.
He looked at me.
I just keep staring at him.
"Did you have an ECG to know if you really have a heart problem?"
He looked to the side. "Yes I did."
"And they say you have a MR?" I asked him.
"I do."
"And what did they say?"
He looked at me blankly.
"You said you have a MR. You know what it is right?"
After a couple of silent moments it was evident that there were no answers forthcoming.
"Ping-pong." I exclaimed.
Then he stood up and left.

"Ricky, stay away from the cash box." I said.
"Why?" he gave me a questioningly look.
"Because, if there is some money missing... well you know."
"But, I can't believe you think that of me."
"Hey, you're new here. And oh by the way this is your last night! Yeay!" I ecstatically shouted.
Then Ricky stood in an elbow distance right in front of me. Annoyed at being crowded when there are a lot of vacant spaces, I pushed him away.
"Could you keep your distance?" I asked.
"Why? What?" he said while gripping my hand.
"Because you don't need to breathe on me when we talked."
"Do I bother you?"
"By a guy who thinks he's Don Juan but walks more girlish than me?" I scoffed.
Jimmy even demonstrated how Ricky walks, right in the street.
"That's because you are a lesbian." Ricky said to me.
"Oho!" I exclaimed. "Jimmy, Ricky said I'm a lesbian because I didn't succumb to his charms."
"I didn't say that." he defended.
"Whahaha. Poor you."
Later night he was sitting at the wall when I remarked if he was Humpty Dumpy he would flip back like a fish rather than break.
"Or you could glide your way down like a leaf because you're so thin." I continued.
"Lakas mo mang asar ah."
"Ngayon mo lang na pansin?"