Psycho Talk

I had a conversation with John last night. It's like talking to a psychiatrist with a psychotic edge. Healthy for me tho, because I was on edge last night too. Haha. I was a bit high. Not on drugs but I just get high sometimes without any reason. We call it in the civilized world as mood swings.
After John and I analyzed his distrurbing mind, we were stuck with silence. Hmmm. So? Yeah?
Then he said even tho we see each other basically everyday for 4 years, he say he still don't know me. The real me.
Oh, I said. I dunno, I never waste much time analyzing myself.
But I do, I do analyze but in the middle of it all I just give up. Ha! Why bother and what will I do anyway with it if I discover "me"? Will I still have thrills?
Then John said that if only he knows himself well, maybe people would like him better. I said that's futile. Even if you know yourself, people won't. And who knows oneself better than you. It's just wasted effort.
He said he can't figure me out.
So do I. So do I.
Sometimes I think I have a split personality. Now I'm paranoid.
I think this session isn't going very well.
Then he said that I don't show people my inner most feeling. And that part of me scares the shit out of him [His words, not mine].
Good.
And he envies me. Tsk tsk tsk. Be careful what you wish for...
Well I said that all I discovered so far is that I'm obsessive-compulsive. And I have mood swings. And he is right that I just go with the flow. And I don't take myself seriously.
Yes! He fairly screamed. I'm so right that I don't take myself seriously, but he just can't say that in the open because I might get mad.
Mad? Me? What a waste of energy for me. I just do a slow torture. I said that I won't get mad if it's true, right? I even told him that he could slap that in my face. But problem is I slap back. It's more of a reflex. Really.
Then I have a talked with Donnadel too. She wasn't feeling well because she just found out that she was stabbed at the back by her so-called friends. She just wished that I was there to kill (my term) her friends. She was used and betrayed by those hijo de puta friends of hers. I said don't worry the wheel will turn and the circumsatnces will be reversed. In the future she could be the one holding the whip. Mwuahahahahaha! Well those friends of hers sounds really bitchy. It isn't her fault that she's too good. They abused her. I never abused our friendship even if she looks up to me in highschool. Actually, I was the only one who stayed with her. Although it was because the teacher ordered us to befriend her. And so, one day I approached her and showed her a trick with my hands. Since that day she started tagging with me. Which annoys me. Because I'm a bit of a loner, stuck with my books. Tho you could say I have many friends.
But then annoyance gave way to tolerance. Then there it all started. Eventhough we aren't classmates anymore she accompanies me at lunch when I eat with Ruth and my sister.
And do try to influence some evil in her. Oh dress like me! No go for the shorter skirt. What do you mean your shy?! And don't look down when I talk to you and when eating! Chin up! Gawd! Have some spine!
Guess good conquers evil.
And yes I think I'm a loner, tho I have a very wide circle of close friends. But I know I can live on my own. College came, gawd I'm so influencial everybody looks up to me and listens to my decisions. I guess I'm good at adapting which is thankful. I am comfortable sitting at a table with people with the same age as mine as sitting with ederly matrons. And people older than me by a generation enjoys talking with me... be it a woman or a man.
And I'm comfortable being alone as being in a large group.
Uhuh. Im versatile.



tragedically bizzare

Frail Mind

Woke up. Got dressed. Went to Conecticut. Watched Bringing Down the House. Ate. Watched Final Destination 2, What a Girl Wants. Ate. Watched Frailty. Went home. Ate. And here I am.
Boring huh?



tragedically dead

Respite

Ha! Been a long time since I wrote here. Yeap the novelty is wearing off again. Okay to summarize the past few days would be easy, since nothing exciting came up.
So, we went to Connecticut. Step dad was asking mom when we will come back. Mom said Sunday. Maybe.
Why the maybe? Stepda asked. Then he asked could it be because of the cat.
Yeah, stepda, it was the cat.
Then mom broke it with saying maybe she'll be coming home with me. Oh lala. Hurt. Bam. Slam. Crush and burn stepda. Then he said that if he is a hard man to live with... then they don't have to marry. Her choice. As long as she gets a greencard before coming home so that she could live here. Oh wow. Martyrdom. Who could hate a man like that?
Me. I hate martyrs. And he made me sad because Twinkle must go. Hmm, but it's better than him being killed by dendrites. I don't want it in my conscience. I could grow old. And be like them. Shivers.
So we went off, knowing we would come back on Monday.
And I discovered that I'm kind of good in direction here. Back home I get lost on my own backyard.
When we reached Auntie Villa's house... we unpacked our things... then Pat and Tara saw Twinkle. They fell in love. So we gave Twinkle to them. Then Pat asked that if we could change it's name. Yeah I said, go ahead. He isn't mine anymore anyway. Tara wants to call him Tiger. Pat said she always gives names. It should be his turn now. And he wants a decent name... not Tiger or something like that. Okay, Tara said, how about Jack she asked. Pat said what's with the duck names anyway? I said Twinkle moves like Flash. Then Pat came with the name Pietro... from a creator of a comics or something. Cool huh?
So the Mom's went off to buy some stuff and dropped off Tara on her friend's house. Pat got Amie and showed her Pietro. Then later I was left all alone in the house. Oh and I forgot I watched the video tape of Charlotte's Web. First time I heard Wilburs voice I can't supress my giggles. Haha.
Then the next day we went to fetch Mama Adele's. Along the way I got a job. A first for me. I will be a companion. Just accompany an old lady... seems good... since that's mostly what I do except I do my gardening. Then we went to the party. It was fun sing-along, dance and food galore. Typical Filipino party.
Then we went home and later night went to The Dock to see a 50's band. No, I didn't dance. Will I ever?
Then the later mom informed me that we will be going home tomorrow morning. Attack of guilt? She said, no it was not.
So the next day we went home and I got myselof a stuff toy of a siberian husky, my favorite dog breed, and named it Mush. I name my dolls. At this age. Yeah. No, it isn't weird.
Then later Forest came with Uncle Edwin. I was asleep.
We went to the party. Forest blew all his mucus on my arm. Maya, Kamya and I watched Burn The Floor. Kamya slept through it. Later, we watched Cabaret. The two think it's weird. I could relate with the movie. Kamya was freaked out with the characters. I understand perfectly the roles of the characters. The movie they say was disturbing. There's only one thing that bothered me. The other guy's moustache. It's a one shade lighter than his blond hair. He looks like an ad on "Milk?".
Then we went home then I wasted the whole day next day.
Apparently this day too.




tragedically wasted

Venting the Drama

Something with claws jumped on my face. Ahh! Jepeers Creepers came out to eat me! Wait! I haven't watch that movie yet...
Damn, I woke up to see Twinkle jumping on my bed, to and fro, trying to catch my toes and fingers underneath the comforter. Saw my aircon still on... which only means it isn't my time to wake up yet. Ah! I wished Twinkle will settle down and go back to sleep.
I pulled the covers over my head. Thinking that he was all alone in the room, Twinkle started meowing. Taking pity on him. I pulled the covers back. He seemed to smile and went on to muching my fingers. To tired to do anything... I went back to sleep.
Later mom came in and took Twinkle. Later she came in again and woke me up saying it was already one in the afternoon and I should wake up to eat lunch. I slept for another ten minutes then dragged my lazy ass to the dining room.
Ate. Brushed my teeth... I haven't brushed my hair for 3 months now.... it doesn't need brushing anyway. Then went down to my pc.
But before that my mom and I ws discussing about Twinkle's fate. And she was telling what happened last night.
When she came in and went to bed... stepda was having theatrics... he was wheezing. Heavily. In the dark of their bedroom my mom just raised her eyebrows. He even went as far as having trouble sleeping. He even woke up wheezing and coughing his lungs out. Go for the Emmy I say. Imagine... Twinkle didn't even went there. He must have catch the cat's dendrites when he walked past by my bedroom door. Under the door. Through the slit. Through the covered slit. Covered with taped. Hmmm... Deadly.
Then later mom want to blow off some steam, we went to Mohegan to watch Air Supply. Air Supply you say? Yeah... not evil enough for me. Were they popular before or after my birth? Before? Ahh. Evil wasn't invented then. That explains a lot of things. Evil was born 20 years ago anyway.



tragedically bitched

Twinkle Tweet

I suddenly woke up. Having hard time breathing. Argh! Twinkle is happily sleeping on my neck... effectively cutting some of my air. Oh man! I just slept for an hour and a half. And I went back to sleep without moving a muscle so the poor darling could have her beauty sleep uninterrupted. Later at three, Twinkle was purring so loud that I woke up again.. and I also hear some squirting sounds... hmmm.
Then at nine in the morning, I heard my mom calling me at my window... she was locked out because she forgot her keys at the car repair shop.
What about my beauty sleep?!
So woke up. Went to do some gardening. Swam. Stained the deck. Write my daily doings which Twinkle accidentally erased. Yeah.
Then stepda came home. Saw Twinkle.
"What's with the cat", he asked. "You know I'm allergic to them. Dendrites. Give me 5 minutes... and you'll see".
About an hour later and the cat was safely hidden in my room, step da said his goodnights with a healthy parlor. Went to their room.
Later, I felt sleepy too and went upstairs. Twinkle was in my bed. Then I went out, with him bounding behind me, to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth and something, and when I came out he was eating again. Oh no! argh! What the hell. So I called him to the room. Read my book while I left him doing jumps all over my room. Later he climb my bed and slept on my pillow when an unmistakable stench drifted to my nose.
Shit.
Literally.
I grabbed him and smelled his behind thinking this cat don't know how to clean himself. When I didn't smell a thing, except inhaling his furs, I smelled the stench on the other side of my bed. Oh shit. I started rearranging my bedroom. And he was just sitting there with his droopy eyes thinking what got up my ass.
Aha! I found the treasure! Yeah and I washed it off then threw it in the laundry basket downstairs. When I went up again I saw him sitting in front of his basin and was about to eat again, when I grabbed him. Oh no you don't, I mumbled to myself. I don't want to have a repeat performance thank you.



tragedically insomiac

The New Member

Woke up at noon today. Aren’t I great? Cris said I should get a job. I’m a lazy girl he said. Later, Andre said that too.
Then mom hassled to me to move, because we are going to Connecticut again. Great. Just great. That means I will meet that greasy pig Jessie again. Shit.
Took a bath and dress for about 15 minutes. Then played again. Then after saying my goodbyes to my net friends, dashed off to the car.
10 yards from the gate I had this feeling that I forgot something very important. Something vital. Then my mom made a remark that this is the first time she saw me going out without my dark glasses. Shit! That was it! No wonder my head hurts.
It was a forty minutes drive. I think. Yeah when we arrived Ken opened the door for me. Sweet girl. We get along very well. Then when I entered the house they were watching “Magkapatid”. Of course, it was a tear jerker. Later I was sniffling my nose. After the movie my headache got worst. Shit I’m pathetic. I cry at a freaking movie.
And I claim that I’m sickly evil.

Pathetic.

Then of course when Richard woke up and saw me… then cried “Ahh! My sexy is here! How are you love?!”
Great what another way to ruin my day.
Then he sat beside me grope my hands.
No words spoken I removed my hands near any vicinity of his body which is impossible cause there is no more space on the sofa.
Am I to suffer this fate every time I’m with my friends?!
Of course after that, I sat on the floor. Better.
Then I saw that my girl friends are all wearing the same shirts. Again. Look at my blouse… well this seems better. I don’t want to be one of the group. I want to be… me. Yes the odd duckling. And it doesn’t bother me a bit. Distinguished I would say. He he.
Later we went to the other house… Jessie’s house. Great…
Hmmm nice house. Doesn’t suit for a person who doesn’t only look like a pig but has a personality of one too. Though I love the vegetable garden at the back. And okay their TV. It's bigger than ours. Who cares! And there’s a lovely kittens too. Mom gave a shriek of joy seeing them. Grabbed one and rub it’s nose.Yeah the entire group is there. We watched “Whatever it takes”. Twice. One after the other. Wahoo, headache getting worse.
Then A.J. keeps on feeding me. Cantaloupes then chicken wings and gives me napkins too. He calls me sexy too. I said I don’t like to be called that. He said it’s cool, he’ll call me cute. Choosing the lesser evil, I just nod. Then later on the second movie run... He was holding my hands. And Richard is beside me too… leaning his head on my shoulder. Then later A.J. is playing with my hands. Then suddenly I get this really weird vibes. Does this guy like me? And he’s too young for me. In fact, 6 years my junior. Or is he gay?
I prefer if he is gay.

And later the sofa was all mine, and then Mac came. He said that I looked comfortable in the sofa. Then he said that he missed me. I miss sexy.
All I said was, “Ah… nice hair”
Well he had it cut in semi-bald. Look nice.
Actually I forgot who he is.
Then I saw the Pig. Oink oink.
And Denden was there too. Later they were giggling and ticking each other.
It was disgusting to watch. For me. It’s not because they are cousins. But because it’s the Pig, for Christ sake! And he knows what I feel. Actually I don’t think so. He thinks I’m annoyed with him. Hah! Not passionate enough for me. I just show him apathy, while I think of ways to murder him. In a creative way.Later Ken and I went out for a walk. Saw Marcus in the dark calling someone on the phone with his headlights glaring at our eyes. We just walked and left him there. We didn’t know he was lost.
Then later the teen group invited me to go to Mohegan with them. And they begged my mom that she must allow me. My mom was about to give in when I kicked her in the shin. Ahh… subtleness sometimes isn’t my best suit. I don’t have a toothbrush or extra clothes with me. And I do love my bed with passion. I love my bed more than I love men. Wait, I don’t even like men.
Yeah. Said my goodbye happily then they gave us a kitten… which is here lying beside my keyboard.
Mom would like to call it Gorgeous… until I threatened her with a seizure. And the kitten would die of shame if she did because it’s a male.
Ahh… I’m good at naming. Let’s give him an evil name! I want to give him some of Satan’s name.
Yeah. Then we settled for Twinkle.



tragedically malignant

Questions

Alarm clock woke me up at 6. Amazing. And no, I didn't wake up that early to greet the sun. In fact I went down, opened my computer, did some stuff and went back again to bed, which is my world.
Alarm went off at 11 again. Snuggled more on the covers. Thirty minutes later I forced myself to wake up and went to down to my computer again. Talked to Ian. Then he went mushy on me. My hairs stood up on end. Makes me want to turn off my IM.
Thank god when he got disconnected. And now I have a headache. Sebi badger me until I turned on my IM again to see his cam. He was in a bathrobe. So was I, in my favorite chinese robe again. Totally with a chinese buns on the side of my head. At least I’m not fool enough to turn my cam.
Giving me a goodbye kiss at his cam, Sebi logged off. I sighed a sigh of relief.
Sigh.
Then I went back to the creating site. Then I decided to garden... Got my iPod and saw it was out of battery. Damn. Charge it while synchronizing it at my music library. Took an hour. Oh well. I went to get the dog and was about to go out into the gardens when the dog barked. Augh. There is a man outside. Since I don't want anyone seeing me in my chinese bunned hair I called to mom and didn't went out the house until the man delivered the refrigerator.
Change clothes for my gardening spree and was about to go out when it suddenly had a down pour. Shit. Seems the sun don't want to greet me either. So much for torturing the poor helpless plants. So I put the dog backed into the cage. And sat at my computer again with my chinese bun intact.
Now Ian is chatting with me and begging that we should go out. When I come back home. And just the two of us. Ow my gawd. Going home seems... Not so good now. I said I don't go out by two's especially if the other one is man. Gay is good. But a man? Ewww.
He said okay let's make it three... With his mom. Shit. His mom like's me too much. Will I ever be rid of men?
With the help of my chinese bun? Hmmmmm.

tragedically useless

Amused

Woke up today, with my step dad singing his lungs out, "jeproks" just out of my bedroom door. And I saw that it was still dark, so I dived again at my comfortable nest. Guess my stepda wasn't giving up on me; he came back with a guitar and struck some chords. I squint at my clock seeing it's past twelve in the afternoon.
Of course my room is dark... Why hibernate if it's all sunny? I love the gloom. Which explains my allergic reaction when I go out on the sun with no dark glasses. I even water plants with my sunglasses on.
I got out of bed and swaggered to the closet to get some clothes because the door has no luck and I was only wearing my panties and put on my chinese robe and drank my grape juice and went out of my room.
I’m not a morning person, even if I wake up at lunch.
Glancing at the windows with heavy curtains I saw that it was dark and raining outside. Perfect. Suits my mood.
Then sat at the table and had the mistake of stuffing myself. I'm a pig. No, I’m a fat pig.
After putting the dishes at the dishwasher I brushed my teeth and went down. Sat on my computer did the site. Which took me forever until the browser won't work because I exceeded the allocated memory. As if I’m building an empire here.
Then I watch discovery channel with my mom and ate her homemade canned peaches which has a suspiciously soap-taste-like ingredient.
I hope they wouldn't find me dead tomorrow at my bed. I could be in rigor mortis by dawn and they won't know until tea time in the afternoon.
And I didn't went to church today.
I know where my soul belongs.
Sebi kept on badgering me to see him on his web cam. Yeah. When I did, I rolled on the carpet giggling. Which is unusual.
Told him that he looks like my friend Jeff... He said he would kill him then because he is unique. Pshaw.
Ahh I need my milk and Kahlua before I go to bed. Yap drink.



tragedically crazy

Bored

Saturday. My one of my favorite day. If I’m in school.
Vacation. So it doesn't matter.
Woke up with covers over my head and my step bro sitting on top of me, wiggling. Then he pulled the covers. Then he ran screaming out of my room about things that he shouldn't be seeing.
Underwears.
Young kids like that shouldn't know anything about malice yet.
Guess they grow them here like that.
Hmmm. At least I resisted the urge to sleep in the nude last night. That will shock the hell out of him. Which is a good thing, because I think that sometimes that kid was possessed by evil spirits.
And one evil in the family is enough.
I must buy a lock for my door.
Then we went peach picking. Yeah, mom picked them off the counter. Great. I just sat there and listened to my raging music. I think I haven't spoken more than a thousand words today.
And now I just learned that my step bro takes a bath with his mom. Brother...
My step bro seems to have a destructive nature sometimes... And some people find it funny... But after a week they get annoyed. Me? It just took me a day. But I guess kids will be kids... No matter how annoying they could be. And his dad just adores the hell out of him. Mom just said... Ahh you just wait.
I know what she means... That kid couldn't be curbed. He wants attention so much that it borders in rudeness. And I sometimes tell that that it’s bad... But he would just glare at me... Then he would turn cute again when his dad is there.
Amazing.
Well it doesn't matter since his not my charge or something. And I won't be living with him for more than half my lifetime. I could choose my own poisons, thank you.
Then he pee'd in the jacuzzi... little shrimp. Rich in vitamin c? Maybe he'll drown a bit and swallow a bit of the water. Who'll drown in a jacuzzi anyway?
Then of course I watered the plants. Then during dinner it rained. Shit. Waste of my valuable time. I could just have continued my torture on the other plants.
They want my attention. Hah. Them and everyone else.



tragedically messed

Frustration

I want to buy a diary. Shit. Where am I going to buy one anyway?
Been doing nothing all day... Woke up at two in the afternoon... Yeah my life here is between heaven and limbo. Yeah and I’m complaining. Must shut up.
Well better to spend my day here like this than having a repeat performance of yesterday... I punch the cousin of my cousin. Too bad he's build like a porky rock. If ever there is something as such.
Asshole.
That he is. Shit. I want to kick him. Well I did. But he's stupid so he thought I was fooling around.
Dunce.
And I even step on his balls. Well it seems he was turned on by that.
Pervert.
I want to strangle him but that would only grease my hands.
If I was only back at my country, maybe I could ask someone to kill him. Yeah. That would be nice, and the good people will thank me.
Did nothing new today, just tortured some plants and some frogs. And talked with my dad... Which he wrangled me to do some evil stuff.
I’m not evil.
Just sick.
Yeah there's a difference.
Today's Cris birthday. Yeap he's evil... Well maturely evil. And he's been asking me to do some logo for his company. Too bad my mind's still on vacation mode. It's not conditioned for thinking mode yet. I like that guy. Even if he is a decade older than me.
And Joanne has a boyfriend, one she met on the chat. Sheesh, no one meets properly these days.
I could marry my computer then.
yippee...
Now I have this other friend. Sebi. Short for Sebastian. Romanian. And lives 24 miles from Dracula’s castle. Imagine that. He makes sites. The S and M... Bondage and other kinky lala. He's handsome too. Hmm. At least I don't go that type.
And another one, a weird friend... He wants to fly over here and marry and have babies... Yes, your hearing is good, babies. And he didn’t even know me. Suicidal... Reminds me of John... Only worse.
Yes, I am a weirdo magnet. Throw me to a room with one weirdo among million of people and I would attract him. That's why I tend to be harassed everywhere anytime. That's why I tend to shoo off guys.
Ah yes, watering plants... I was doing that until the dog slobber all over me. I was thinking of throwing him to the pool... But alas I’m not that wicked yet.
Don't worry I’ll practice.
Mom hates the dog too. No one could love anything that stupid. In a one to ten stupid scale... The dog would be on the eleventh.
And that makes me more stupid cause I talk to the dog.



tragedically bored