The Selso Experience

“Im sorry about this”, Tito Danny said, handing the money over.
“It’s no bother Tito.”, I assured him, giving him his change.
Then Tito Danny walked over to his table where four of his friends are talking over beer.
It was past our closing time, which was nine. I look over my crew and told them that they could go. But they said they could stay for a while longer. I said okay and went back to my accountings.
Then suddenly the front door opened and walked in a lone man. He asked if he order some “Pulutan”.
Kuya Bong, my cook, looked at me. I said to the man that the answer depends on my cook because it’s past closing time. Kuya Bong asked the man what does he want to him to cook. The man, not a little drunk, look over the menu. And from behind the counter I could just see his eyes glaze over. Trying to help out, I gave him some suggestions. Then he started looking for a Tangiuge. I explained that we weren’t big on the seafood department.
Then he asked again what pulutan is best.
I rattled all the sizzling dishes. Again.
While I was explaining what is what. He was staring at my face. Annoyed, I stared right back. Hard. This usually gets me in trouble with men, but I don’t suffer fools.
Then he asked how much.
We told him.
He said all he had was sixty bucks.
Remembering the Tanguige, there was some brows raised. With that kind of money all he could buy was the tail of the fish.
Then our cook said that he’ll cook him a bicol express worth that much.
He agreed.
So Cook went into the kitchen. My waitresses were cleaning up. And my boys were stacking foods. I told the man to sit down and went back to my accounting. Later I found he was still standing directly in front me. Ignoring him, I just continued finishing my work.
Then he started to do what I dreaded most, socialize.
He started conversing with me.
I hate small talk.
Giving a sigh, I looked up and tap my right ear with my right index finger.
“What?”, he asked.
“You need to speak up,” I said.
“You’re deaf?”, he asked in english.
I resisted rolling my eyes over that question.
“No, but I’m rather used to people who talks louder.” I explained in my usual rapid English.
He just looked at me for a while.
Then he continued in Tagalog “Could I have a beer while waiting?”, he asked.
“Of course.”, I replied.
Then he repeated the same question. Slowly.
Then I saw his fingers inching towards mine. I retracted my fingers, loosely gripping my G-tech pen.
Confused, I answered him an affirmative.
Then he repeated the same question.
Then his fingers inched another nanometer towards mine. I gripped my pen harder this time.
“Are you asking me, if you could have a beer while waiting?”, trying to clarify where he was heading with this conversation.
“No.” He answered.
Then he grasped my right hand.
“ I was asking…”, he droned on.
I wasn’t hearing what he was saying anymore. My mind was blocking what was happening. I instinctively raised my imprisoned hand and untangled it from his.
Jimmy suddenly appeared on my side.
I looked at Leah a who was also beside me, and asked her what the man wants.
She said that the man was asking if he could have a beer while waiting.
“Is he gonna pay for it?”, I asked confused.
“Yes.”, she answered.
Wasn’t that what I had thought all along?
“It’s so simple, how come you couldn’t get it?”, the man asked.
Duh.
“Tagalog isn’t one of my strong points.” And that’s all I’m gonna say about it.
“What are you?” He asked. “Japanese, Vietnamese, Korean?”, He rattled on.
My goodness, the man is dull as a butter knife.
I was about to add a witty retort but my dry wit was overpowered by annoyance.
“I’m Chinese.” I snapped, while adding a chinese accent.
Just for effect.
“Ah, that’s why you’re rich.”, he concluded.
And your power of deduction sucks, Einstein.
He wasn’t even finished with his sentence when I snapped an angry “No.”
I hate people who don’t even know me presumes that I’m rolling in money. Whether it’s true or not.
I could just imagine stabbing my pen on his neck.
Then he said something in Ilokano.
Ha. Ilokano is not one of my strong suits either.
I looked at Jun-jun, who was also beside me and asked him the meaning of the word.
“He means rich.” He explained,
Now I’m pissed.
I was about to flay him, when he made a life saving move.
He sat on one of the table.
I asked Jimmy to give the man a glass with ice.
After doing my bidding, Jimmy stood beside me and said, “Kung tinarayan mo lang yun, binugbog ko na yun.”
I could feel the man staring at me. Paying him no heed, I continued doing the accounts.
“Why?” I asked him.
“Kasi tinanong nya kanina kung pwede ka nya i-table.” He answered, referring to the my conversation with the man while he was grasping hand.
“Goddamnnit!” I cursed. “He was asking me?” I asked.
The man was still staring at me non-stop.
“You should have slapped him!”, Leah suggested heatedly.
Then I started chuckling.
I actually wasn’t insulted about the “table” part. I have too many experiences and more scandalous propositions than that that it takes more than this to insult my sensibilities. I was just mad that that I lost a chance for a good fight.
Then Yen-yen came. She was moving like a dervish, moving to and fro. And she was wearing her usual attire, fitted shirt and a short skirt. With her endowed chest and exposed legs I told her to move behind the counter. Hearing the warning in my voice she automatically obeyed me.
“Why?”, she asked.
“Do you see the man over there?”, I asked in Illongo while giving a subtle nod on the man’s direction.
“Yes, why?” she asked in Ilokano before she remembered that we were in a Ilokano speaking region.
Then I gave her the short version on what happened.
“I’m going to tell dad. And I’m going to tell him good. You shouldn’t be working here anyway.” She was spitting mad when she was done with her speech.
Then later Tito Danny went into the restroom. On the way back he was accosted by the man. Obviously Tito Danny didn’t know him but still he gave gave the man a free beer. Then the man came back and said, “Ah your dad is Engr. Larry.”
I just gave a curt yes. I feel he was going to suck up now. Then he chit-chated about what he knows about us and about our other side, the Zaragoza’s.
“Wait a minute. Who are you?”, Yen asked angrily.
But the man evaded the question, instead said that he gives his regards to dad.
“How could we do that when we don’t even know who you are.”, Yen retorted in a tone of a genius talking to a retard.
Then Alain came.
“Alain, I’m going to order you to tackle somebody for me. Pig in a mud tackle.” I whispered to him.
“Huh? Who?”, he asked in a laconic way of his.
“Later.”, I evilly chuckled.
“I noticed you don’t have a guard.”, the man pointed out.
“What do I need a guard for? I have them.” I said nodding toward my “boys” and Alain.
Looking up at Alain, the man patted his arm and sidled away from him.
“You know (some mans name?)”, the man hedged.
“No.” I interrupted.
“You don’t know ( same man with his surname this time)?”, he persisted.
“No.” I said again. Continuing with my one-word answers.
“Who lives behind…” he continued.
“No.” I answered in a I-don’t-give-damn tone. Alain, the diplomat who actually had a worst social skill in memorizing people than me, explained that we don’t know much people here.
“Our dad never let us out.” I butted in.
“Ah.” He said. I could just imagine a lighted bulb on top of his head. “No wonder I don’t see you.” He said.
Opening both my hands in supplication, “Thank God!” I sarcastically exclaimed from behind the counter.
Hearing my remark. Alain looked at the man again. “Do you need anything?”, Alain asked.
Looking up at Alain again, the man must just then notice the resemblance since Alain look a lot like me except he’s prettier with that high nose of his. Thinking he could be in trouble, he patted Alain’s stomach, which raised one of Alain’s eyebrows, and said he’ll be just going over his table.
Little did the man know, when we sisters get into fights with somebody, Alain would be the one stoically eating popcorn during the fight.
Even if it was his honor we are defending.
Even if we were fighting a man.
Even if it was verbally or physically.
Later the man asked how much is he paying. So I had his chit delivered. When he received his bill, he was insulted. He said he wasn’t even finished.
“Do you think I will run?” he said.
Frankly, yes.
A while later I notice it was already past ten. And he was just sitting there. I said to Jimmy to give the man his bill.
Then the man said to Jimmy and Kuya Bong that he wasn’t finished. They told him that we are closing. Then he asked them if I was already going home. They told him I was going home.
Then he peeked at Jimmy’s side and asked me from a distance if I was going home.
I said the shop is closing and my crew needs to get home. So he needs to go.
“But are you going home now?”, he persisted.
Annoyed, I came over to his table and told him no I’m not yet going home, but he should be.
“Ah, but you aren’t going home yet.” He explained.
“So what? The shop is closing so pay up and go.” I bit off.
Then he took out his wallet and I could see a lot of paper bills.
Sixty bucks, my ass.
Leaving him, I went over to Tito Danny and asked him if he goes could he take the other man with him. They said that they were planning to take the guy when the take off.
Saying my thanks, I went to the office and packed my stuff.
And I saw Tito Danny’s friends ordering the man to go with them.
Then next morning over breakfast Yen told the story to Dad.
After assuring that I’m okay, Dad said, “Wow. You will be the attraction there.”
Yen smacked Dad’s arm. “Tang-ina Atching. Binubugaw ka ng tatay mo!”

Enchanted...

Entrance to Enchanted Kingdom: P500

Travel Expenses: P100

A light meal: P85

The sheer terror on your friend's faces: Priceless

Hmmm...

For unknown reason my classmate from college made a vector art of me during my chubby days.

Open up wide

I have a small mouth. Literally. Figuratively? You could say it's the other way around.
So, my dentist; having her saliva sucker, ultraviolet blowgun and some of her uncountable fingers [and I forgot I was was wearing my largest round tonguering] jammed in my mouth and telling me to open up wider is anotomically impossible.
I like to voice out some of my pains but alas, it can't be so.
Then she tsked about something behind her mask. All I heard was mumbling. So I gave a gurgled noise, the nearest thing I could make as an euphimism for uh-huh. Taking that as a positive reaction, Doctora brandishes out her driller.
I have a feeling that dentist have a sadistic streak on them. While they are smelling roses behind their mask, we ,the patient, on the other hand, have to endure that horrible pungent fetid smell that are coming out of our teeths when drilled.
I couldn't help but imagine them thinking gleefully on smelling our mistakes.

Mari Windsor

" Damn you Suzzana!", Yenyen screamed while pulling both her legs to a vertical position.
I grunted.
Then Suzzana, our virtual instructor, made a series of complicated aerobic movemnets.
"I swear..." Yen panted, "she starts looking like a mouse to me."
"I know! She reminds me of Mrs. Fieldmouse from Thumbelina!" I replied while twisting my appendages. My eyes were obscured by the sweat that was running down my face.
".... eight, nine, ten. And now put your head down and try to relax." instructed Mari Windsor, the pilates expert.
"Fuck... this." I gasped.
"Good. Now we shall move to Criss-cross exercises..." Mari WIndsor continued.
Chest heaving, Yen and me started praying for oblivion.

The Bruised Gardener

"What happened to your knee?!" Dad asked with a bit of shock.
"Wha-?" I mumbed, being roused from my sleep at 5:30 in the morning.
"What happened to your knee?" He repeated.
Not even bothering to look at my own knee, I pulled the comforter over my head. "I dunno.", I answered carelessly.
"You don't know?! You should know." He was getting angry.
"Look, I know it looks nasty but I have other three bruises on my right arms alone. And I don't remember how I get them. They're just there." I sleepily mumbled.
"Okay then. I'm going." He said.
"Okay. Take care." I said.

I'm impossible to get back to sleep after having conversation with dad. Later Nana and me found ourselves going downstairs to eat breakfast before six. Then because of sheer boredom, we watched Ghost Delivery. Then Nana and Ate Rose went to sleep on the couch while I went out and cut a lot of plants.
While it was drizzling.
I hacked the santans to half their size, almost balded the Song of India, and sawed the inner tree with any tools neccessary.
While Faulkirk did her rounds around the village on her own.

Corpse Bride

Oh my God.
It was exquisite.
I wanna watch it again.
Cinema 6 sucks tho. They should put it in Cinema 1.
I love Tim Burton. But not as much as I love Johnny Depp.

An Overdue Reunion

"Where are you going?", dad asked suspiciously seeing that I'm all dressed up. All in red too.
"I have a date." I replied grinning then I held my hands palms out,"Could I have some money?"
"With whom?"
"With Ruth."
"And where will you meet her?"
"In UP."
"What will you be doing there?"
"Lunch. Movie. Chat. Not precisely in that order."
"What time will you be back?"
"After seven. Color coding."
"Okay. My wallet is upstairs."
"Thanks."

I have a lunch date with Ruth at Chocolate Kiss at UP by 1:30. So I left the house by one. It takes about twenty minutes to get to UP. The extra ten minutes is for the time I get lost. Which always happen.
Fortunately, finding the Alumni Building wasn't so hard after all. So I waited for Ruth outside Chocolate Kiss. But she said that she needed to pass by the library first. I said okay and to help pass the time, I brought out my cellphone and played Five Stones.
A bit later, she came bringing with her a huge bag.
Smiling, I said she looked academic.
So we entered the restaurant and chose the table farthest from the door since there were lot of unoccupied tables.
After ordering we started chatting non-stop. In the middle of our conversation, there was a group of four people who came into the shop. I was sitting facing the door. My eyes went directly to the tallest guy. He was staring at me and I was staring back at him. After a couple of seconds I jerk my eyes off.
I stared at our table. Then I started thinking why he looks familiar. The first thing that entered my mind was is he a basketball player of UST? He reminds me of Gori, Haruko's older brother in the anime Slam Dunk. But that's impossible, I hadn't watched a basketball game during my UST days.
And anyway, I'm in UP.
And I'm never good at remembering people.
After that, the new arrivals chose the table beside us. And our food arrived.
Being a curious girl, I whisperingly asked Ruth if the guy beside us is an actor. Ruth just looked at him and resumed eating and chatting.
"Ah, I thought he's an actor." I told her in my normal voice, which most people say is more than the modulated level, while digging into my lasagna.
Then we just continued on talking about her lovelife or shall I call it sexlife? Which was hilarious. After stuffing ourselves full, we asked for our chit. Ruth paid my lunch. Weeeee.
Then we rode on her car, where we planned what we will be doing next. And where she told me that our dining companion was Jomari Yllana.
So after little discussion we decided to go to SM North.
I bought tickets for the movie Dark Water. Which is a horror movie. We missed the start of the movie by five minutes. Since we want to watch it starting from the beginning, we decided to go bowling.
Walking towards Annex, we resumed our chat about Ruth's loverboy. Mwuah.
Reaching the bowling alley we rent some shoes and socks for Ruth. Then we were given a lane.
I was doing better than Ruth at the beginning. During the second game, I had more gutterballs than I wanted. Ruth, on the other hand had a more constant score while mine went downward. I was like, "No... more... power..."
Mostly, what we did was pat each other's back or laugh at ourselves.
After the second game, we decided that we have no more juice to roll a bowling ball. So we got our shoes and headed for the main building. Along the way Ruth said that she need to check something on the net. I said sure, we still have like half an hour to spare. So we went into Netopia.
Where I found out that she was about to check her economy on some game. She was playing Mafia. It reminded me of my Utopia days. Tsk. Birds of the same feather...
Then after she killed some guy from another Mafia family, we went to watch our movie.
It was a dissappointment. It was like the time we both watch The Exorcist, where we were so ready to pee in our panties but all we did was stiffle a yawn.
But that doesn't stop Ruth from grabbing my arm.
After the *yawn* movie, we went to Sak-0-beads, where Ruth bought a birthday gift for her boy-- hmm. Because the gift shouldn't be obvious. Yes...
After buying him a present, Ruth chose wild stones to make a bracelet for herself.
After that she drove me to my car in UP where set up a date for our next Majhong session.

Yellow Seaweed Rocks!

Acquiring ticket for the UAAP Cheering Competion was hell.
If it was left to me, I would be watching it on screen. Because technology is supposed to make our life easier.
And our seatmate had a very strong body odor.
Roy, who I suspected had an ulterior motive, said that we must watch it live.
"It's tradition." he said. He said this with his eyes roaming.
"You mean to tell me we will be doing this tradition of yours for the next couple of years?" I asked painfully.
"Of course." he replied.
I looked at the sea of young and naive-looking students surrounding us. Feeling old and jaded I said "There should be an age limit to this tradition."

After four hours of standing in line and watching what could be the next Edsa rally, Roy was able to get hold of four tickets, even if it means he has to pay double for them. And the only tickets available were the bleachers.
Yeay...
Entering Araneta Colliseum, we headed straight to the group who were madly waving yellow ballons. From afar they look like a live yellow seaweed. Sitting ourselves the top most part, we waited for the show to begin.
After four hours, UST won. Yeay for us.
Exiting the colliseum, we accidentally ran into Ruth and her gang, were we gave loud shrieks and hugged each other.
Later after saying goodbye, we headed for home after buying DVD and a shirt for Roy.
At home, Roy ordered pizza. Then we watched the two DVD horror we bought. Played tennis on the Xbox then waited for Alain.
Who was late, so we were unable to go out and gawk at naked male bodies.
Later, Isnit suggested, actually it was more of a need, that we should go out and buy drinks. So me and Isnit went to 7-11 and bought some booze.
Then later we played scrabble where I and Isnit were already dizzy from drink against the sober Nana and Raymund.
Tallying our score, I lost, due to me having an extra tile of the letter Q which has ten points.
For punishment, a shot of gin, again.
Then later we played Top Spin again.
The drunks versus the sober ones.
The drunks won! So let's drink to that!

The Prodigal

There's a new lead in the "Missing Cat" Investigation.
Nana and, her faithful aide, Ate Rose went around the village asking every house, where they got a break in the almost stagnant case.
It seems that the laundry maid of our neighbor caught Cookie and placed him in a box.
The backgate guard saw her.
The culprit maid, Nancy, brought Cookies near Grist, where cheap quality soaps are sold, where she lives nearby.
So the Nana and Ate Rose went there. But they where too late. Then Nancy, the theif, who had Cookie said that her children can't stand the stink [the natural smell of Cookie] and said that the cat was too thin that they released him into the street.
Looking at the streets, our Nana burst into tears, seeing it was hopeless for now she doesn't know where to start her futile searching.

Luckily by some scam or being a good Samaritan that he is, a guy who brought Cookie back, said that he found Cookie littering by the bridge near G-Mart.
So we paid him for being Cookies' hero.
But I still smell a scam.

A Stone to the Roof

It was past ten in the evening.
I was just standing by our gate glaring at every male, who is dark and have short hair, evilly.
I was hoping I could see Cookie. Or his catnapper.
Later I heard the Accord. Opening the gate, I saw Tito Gil, our former neighbor and one of dad's closest friend, alighted from the car.
Nana went down too asking me on any developments on the search. No such luck, I told her.
Then I saw Tito Gil screaming and banging the gate of the house in front of ours, real hard.
Later he was throwing stones at the roof. And shouting and cursing drunkenly in Pangalatok. Dad put his arms around my shoulders and laughed at him.
I found that both of them were drunked.
Tsk.
Later more stones were thrown.
Later the Barangay Tanods were called. And more shouts were exchanged.
During the confusion, our dogs made good of the situation and escaped.
I went the other way, so I could meet them in the middle of the village. Later, walking home with the dogs, I saw a bystander watching the fight. Coming up behind him I said, "Yan ang teleserye ng totoong buhay."
Big Brother is nothing compared to this.

My Cookie's M.I.A.

Cookie was kidnapped.
Catnapped actually.
We just noticed that he was missing for three days now. He never missed a meal. The last we saw him he was licking himself clean underneath some pickup, after one of his torturous bath.
So after doing some errands for dad, Nana, Ate Rose and Ate Nida went around the village teary-eyed looking and asking neighbors if they saw a brown furry cat.
I was left at home, overseeing our two Kuya's job around the house. And giving spending money if needed.
I suggested to the three that they should ask the vilage guards first.
Sure enough, one of the guards saw Cookie. He said that one of our neighbors caught him.
So after investigating and a lot of angry tears were shed, we put the story together.
Cookie, the victim of a hideous crime, started the day by trying to enter our house and bumping our legs to let the humans know that he needs to eat too like any other breathing creatures.
After eating and being satiated, he lazed around the kitchen unsuspectingly being checked by his human for bath qualification.
He was found wanting.
After some unheard wailing from him during his bath he was left in the sun to dry.
Later the said sun was gone, thus he was freed.
Later he was seen licking his balls. The last time he was seen by the owners.
Before dusk came, the victim was seen strolling around the village.
A group of unknown quantities of humans chased the said victim, thinking of keeping him for their own.
If, no one claims him, the suspects defended.
So the harassed and panicked victim went to find sanctuary.
Went to a house. Which is owned by the current main suspect.
Main suspect's accomplice said that his little brats got scared that he have to take the victim hostage.
Bull, said the victim's owner.
The Guard, the star witness of this case, was there when the heist happened.
The star witness said that he saw what happened when it all came down, Saturday night.
Sunday morning, the victim did a Houdini, said the main suspect's croony. Doing an escape a reknowned escape artist could be proud of. Victim's family went to the crime scene and investigated the cage that was used. Escaping the cage was near impossible that the victim should do a "passing through the bars" act to escape that deathtrap they call a cage.
During the interview the main suspect was sleeping due to drug usage.

After the investigation, it was assumed that the main suspect, by no small intellectual deductions, sold the victim into bondage.
So he could get high.
The fucker.

All Bark and no Bite

Sitting up, I saw that I was the only one left on the room. It's already 8:30. Giving a yawn, I searched for my cellphone which is buried beneath the mountain of pillows and dolls I have on my bed. Hearing the bell of my cellphone's keychain, the others knew that I was already up. Going down to wash my face, I saw someone was using the phone. Squinting hard, I stared at the person's back.
"We need to borrow your phone", our neighbor told me.
"Oh", It took me about a couple of minutes to remember who I was talking to. "Sorry. Not quite awake yet." Then went to the bathroom to wash and brush.
"Atching, I shelled some shells for you," Yen said.
"You can have it. Not hungry." I said.
Patting her belly she said she can't because she just had five platefull of rice with the shell and she's bursting.
So I went to the computer room. Alain was there playing Ragnarok. I just sat beside him and asked what's new.
It seems my character knight has achieved level 99.
Later I told him that we need to get dressed.
Why?
We are going to watch a movie. What else?
While dressing Yen asked me where I got my black peasant skirt. I told her the day me, Na, Isnit, and Raymund went shopping. She told me that she was supposed to buy me the skirt.
Oh. You can buy me another one.
Na-ah.
Putting on my strapping black sandals with wooden platforms. I stood up.
Yen looked up at me and said that I'm too tall.
Yes, with this shoes I'm almost six feet. But it's the only one that goes with my skirt. And I always dressed in one color.
I'm even wearing my big black ring.
Later, when we where in the car Yen found a pack of Macadamia Chocolates.
It seems Dad is eating chocolates on the sly. Of course we gave him one of our sermons about diabetes and stuff along the way.
Five minutes before ten, we were already in Sm. And the doors were still closed. So we just stood there on the bridge and chatted with each other.
Exactly ten, the doors were opened. Alain went to buy tickets while I accompanied Nana and Yenyen to Ideal to have their eyeglasses fixed.
And of course Yen can't helped doing some window shopping, which is why we weren't able to watch the first ten minutes of The Brothers Grimm.
After the movie dad, beig diabetic and all, got hungry that he wanted to eat at Cabalen because they had a eat all you can promo.
So after pigging out. Nana wanted to watch another movie. I of course don't wanna, knowing I'll be watching a movie this week sooner than I wanted to. Yen said that she's going to have her hair cut. Alain gave a go sign to watched a movie. Dad said he'll just come back for us when we are done but changed his mind.
So we went and watched The Cave. Except Yen who's going to get a haircut.
After the movie we went directly home.
When we got home dad said he wants to dye his hair. I volunteered for the job, because I'm wearing black so it doesn't matter if it gets messy.
Later, Nana stood beside me and watched.
"It's a sad day indeed, when you can brush your hair with a toothbrush", I told her with an English accent.
She giggled silently because dad was already nodding off.
After the dye job I went back to the computer room. Later Nana called me to say that we should go out and walk the dogs. I changed into some decent jogging pants and called Yen too.
Nana went roller blading. I just stood there, not knowing what to do. So went back in and got the skipping rope.
After the fourth time the rope went around me in a way that it wasn't supposed to, I gave up and sat at the lawn and just watched the dogs. Faulkirk was skipping and hopping like mad. Inori was just walking to and fro in her dainty way.
Later Yen came out bringing two badminton rackets. She asked me where the shuttle cock is. Pointing, she saw it was stuck at the conjucture of the electric wirings of Meralco where it met it's dreadful fate the day me and Alain played aggresively against each other.
"Well, throw a stone at it." She suggested.
"And have the villagers bat sticks at us when we accidentally cut off the village's electricity? No thank you." I said.
Luckily Nana remembered we have another shuttle cock. I went in and got it.
Later while playing, there came some bunch of kids from our neighbor's party passing by. Seeing Faulkirk, one kids asked me if it's a snowdog. I said yeah. Does it bite? No.
When they passed, me and Yen continued our game.
Later they came back and they where bringing styrofoams containing spaghetti. One kid was saying "Snowdog" in a loud voice and about them not biting. When they passed by, Inori and Faulkirk just stood there and watched them. Then the mischievious bunch goaded Faulkirk. I jokingly ordered Faulkirk to bite them.
Faulkirk just lolled out her tongue.
Then ten meters away one of the kid shouted in a funny English "Bite me baby! Bite me! Bite Me!"
Yen's eyes went wide with laughter. I was weird hearing it from a kid that age.
So I shouted back. "Chowchows are fierce creatures."
Then I sic Inori on them.

Later Yen got tired so Nana was my next opponent. In a heated battle, we exchanged insults and movie dialogues.
She started with her dailogue of the week, "Rasssspberry? I don't see any rassspberry."
"My god man, it's there fighting for it's life!"
"And on that shore, Immmortality. Take it! It's yours!"
"Look at that, you pompous old bag. Do you know her? I've never seen her before."
"I was called here my humans, who wish to pay me tribute"
"Tribute? But you steal man's soul, and make them your slave. Man doesn't need an ill savior such as you."
"Enough talk! Have at you!"
When the game ended, I shouted to Nana. "Well done pig. Well done."
So, how manyof these lines do you know?

The Caller from Hell

"Hello?", I said to the phone.
"Yes, could I talk to Nida please?", said the man on the other line.
"Sorry there's no person here that goes with that name.", I said politely.
"It's impossible not to have a Nida there." The man insisted.
"No there's no Nida here.", I retorted.
"Who's this?", He asked in a demanding tone.
What the... "Wait a minute, you're the one who's calling here. Who are you?!", I asked punctuating the last three words.
"Don't lie. I know there's a Nida there."
Why the pompous ass!
"There's no Nida here and your attitude, sir, borders on rudeness." I told the guy then cut off the line.
Then the man called again.
"Hello."
"Stop hiding her. Don't cover for her." he ordered.
"Look. There's no Nida here." Then I put the phone down again.
He called again.
I pressed the speaker button and pushed it again.
He called again.
I pressed the speaker button and pushed it again.
Then he called again.
I answered the call this time wanting to hear what he wanted to say.
"If you don't know how to answer a phone, better not answer at all!" He mouted off as a form of greeting.
"And you are still rude." I shot back and hanged up on him.
Then he called again.
Ate Rose took it this time.
"Look there is no Nida here." Ate Rose said to the phone.
"And who are you?" He asked in a superior way.
"I'm the maid..." Ate Rose was saying.
"Hey, you're just the maid you..." He cut off Ate Rose's explaination.
What an asshole!
I took the phone back.
"Im the owner of this house. I bet you have our address." I said. Not listening to word he was saying. "So sue me!"
Then I hang up the phone.

Top Spin

"Take that!" I screamed at the top of my lungs while pounding the B button of my Xbox controller.
"Rainbow shot!" Roy screamed back, while laughing maniacally.
"Backhand not forehand! Damn me! And stop doing volley, it doesn't help!" I screamed again.
"I can't hit anything! I can't even do a swing!" Nana screamed too.
"That's because Roy is hogging all your shots with his rainbow shots!", I explained to her in a shout.
"Eat this! With my perfect timing you all die!", Raymund exclaimed, nearly rendering me deaf.

Game developers should put a disclaimer. Like this:
This game will make all your sentences end with an exclamation point.

Aeon

I just stared.
Well, it's pretty unusual seeing your pet python drinking from the toilet. I could have expected it from a dog. But not my snake.
Aeon overturned every pail and dipper in the bathroom. Seeing that there wasn't anything to drink I guess she went to drink in the toilet.
At least nobody pee'd in it yet.
Thank God for small blessing.
After dragging Aeon out by her neck, being more than seven feet in length, I left her just outside the bathroom. Where she started her long journey back to her corner. Actually it wasn't that far, but the way she carry herself... well let's just say that a turtle could move faster.
She doesn't moves sideways like the snakes you see in National Geographic Channel. She pushes herself forward while making little waves with her body. And you can hear her slitther across the marble floor.
One time I thought I was hearing static on the radio.
Sometimes when she comes out from her corner, she'll crawl all the way to the stairs. And when the sunlight hits her, you think you're seeing a gargantuan leach basking in the sun.
Aeon is shape like a leach. Small head, thick neck that connects to a humongous belly then ends with a slim tail.
Yes, she eats a lot. I even have to put her on a diet. Because her shape is weird. Her tummy isn't proportional with her body anymore.
Now, I only have to feed her more than one kilo of chicken every week.
And of course I still have to hand feed her. She could finish it all before my brother finishes his dinner.
And when she has one of her expeditions she sometimes leaves a trail. You know it's her because the dirt stain on the floor has scale imprints on it. And of course when I see this I tell Ate Rose that the house needs cleaning.
She's our dirt indicator.
Then today, when dusk came, she went out of her corner again and went around the stairs, passed the dining room, then the living room then the music room then curled under the corner cabinet she calls home.
But before that, she left a little sovenier for me near the stairs.
Isn't that just nice.

Stoolpee'd

Ching, it's near six so I'm gonna wake you up already.
Nana proclaimed just outside the master bedroom's door.
I rolled over and killed my cellphone's alarm before it goes off. Sat there and stared at my Jack Skellington pillow for a couple of minutes.
Na, just making sure, came back and looked on me.
I stood up and woke Alain up.
Went down just to see what's for breakfast.
I don't remember...
Went up and changed.
Went down and arranged our minions that Alain forgot.
We were supposed to leave by 6:30. We left our house by 7:30... because everybody in the car thought that everbody wasn't ready.
We arrived at the LTO at P. Tuazon by 7:50. Found some parking space and went to the nearest drug testing we could find. Me and Alain filled up the needed sheets, had our blood pressure read, and tested our eyesight by reading the eighth line on the eyetest reflected through a mirror. Even our height and weight were taken.
I'm 160cm... after my 155cm which was written on my old liscence.
Ooohhh... added height... This reminds me of someone who is very touchy about his height.
I didn't bother reading my weight.
Ha!
That was just the medical.
Next was the drug testing which they need us to pee in a miniture Flinstone bottle. Alain breezed through it easy.
I, on the other hand, leaked like a dry faucet.
I peed the same amount of syrup you take when you have a cold.
I'm sooo ashamed of my urinary tract. It failed me!
Failed me...
The lady who collects the urine told me to drink more liquids.
I told Chu to go ahead at the LTO station.
Me and Na bought CO2 Apple flavor. Went back and sat there for a couple of minutes. They told me again that maybe now is a good time to try peeing again. So I went to the loo and waited there.
And then my imagination started rolling. There could be a hidden camera here somewhere... In china, they could be watching an Asian girl taking a leak on a plastic cup.
I'll tell you there are sick people out there.
But when I feel like doing the number two rather than the number one, I gave up.
Went back to the lobby and read about drugs.
Reading, I discovered that I have the symptoms of a Marijuana and Cocaine user.
Wow.
Then the "Urine Taker" suggested again that I should drink more. So, I went back and bought another one. Then came back and sat at the drug test site. Jiggled my legs thinking it could help. And thought about a lot of things.
Like sex.
Thinking about sex helps the bladder fell like you wanna pee.
I have no idea why. It's just is.
Go figure.
But I can't conjure up all the sex scene in this time and in this kind of environment.
Then the Urine Taker asked me to give it a go again.
I stayed in the bathroom for ten minutes, doing different impossible positions just to help me pee.
Hopeless.
The Urine Taker took pity on me and just gave me the go signal.
So I went to the LTO station. Chu was on step 3,after taking his picture on digi cam, which was paying your fee. Then later they took another picture of him.
He asked me why they took his picture twice. Maybe they though Laurice and Augustus Alain are the same person.
I said that couldn't be.
Later my name is called. I took off Nana's huge white sunglasses on top of my head and had my picture taken for my liscence ID.
After taking my piture I put the sunglasses on top of my head.
Later my name is called at the cashier.
Then I passed my receipt back and they asked me to stand in front of the camera again.
Then they took another one.
After fourty-five minutes I too where done.
Then I saw that my driver's liscence picture is the second one they shot.
The one where I was wearing the big white sunglasses.
Well... that's original. Na commented.
Yeah. And this liscence is good for three years. Then we started laughing hard.
Then later we drove to SM because me and Chu need our eyes checked. He was having headaches for four days straight. I on the other hand, have it sporadically.
So we went to Ideal to have our eyes checked.
I have 25/25 vision. Alain have a 50 astigmatism. So we chose an eyeglasses for him and paid it through credit. Since Alain have classes after lunch he took off. Me and Nana will wait for the glasses to be done. Which will take an hour.
So we decided to browse around.
Later I bought another black nail polish and Nana bought a glittery chameleon like color and a liquid blusher too.
Then we went to Stitches and Things and got our framed diplomas. Which we were shocked to see was huge.
Then after that, Nana went obsessing about Zagu again. We searched and found it.
Then we went back to Ideal to claim Alain's glasses.
So what now? I asked Na.
Capitol Medical Hospital for the continuation of my physical examination. Nana said.
So we went back to the car that smells suspiciously of shit.
Nana said that it could be her stool sample or maybe she was getting a bit paranoid.
I told her it was definitely shit.
Her shit to be exact.
Don't tell Caloy, she said.
Oh I won't. He'll read it in my blogger. I told her, smiling.

Ooops I Did It Again...

Mmmmm.
I was mumbling while I was fumbling for my phone which is ringing somewhere in the vicinity of my head.
It’s three-thirty in the morning and Isnit is trying to give me a wake up call. Yeah, we have a date on-game. So I crawled out of bed and blinking back sleep, tried to find my slippers in the dark by the means of my feet. And all it grasp was a hanger.
Damn, one of my sisters kick my slippers under my bed or theirs again. After finding my glass slippers, I went down the stairs and headed towards the computer room. And to my surprise I found the lights where open and I could also hear the subtle whirring of the PC.
“What the freak are you doing?!”, I asked my brother.
“Can’t sleep. Got hungry.” He answered in his usual laconic way.
“Well, Isnit is waiting for me.”
“Ok.”
“Move.”
“Fix the bots first.”
I just gave a sigh.
While fixing the bots I tried to give a private message to AEP. But alas he wasn’t online. Then I heard my cp announcing an incoming message:
Isnit~ Lag ba talaga ng sobra or ako lang? D kc me galaw. San u? Pakshet nag hang ang pc! Naakupoo! Nag auto shut down na! Waaa!! Doomed na me!
“Anu yan? Nagtetext sya habang nangyayari lahat yan?”, my brother asked.
“Seems so.”
So I told Alain that I’ll be going back to bed.
About eight in the morning I heard Alain moving around the room, who bunked down on the bed on my left and got ready to sleep. So I got up and went down and checked on our minions. Yen was already up and watching some Jude Law movie on Cinemax.
Sitting on the counter top I watched it too. Halfway through it Nana came down, went straight to the informal dining table and started breakfast.
After the movie, I told all the girls that we will be doing some grocery today. Taking Bubuchacha we were all out by the gate when Ate Rose reminded us that we forgot the grocery list.
We just said to forget it. We’ll just do what an unorganized person would do.
Browse.
So heading toward the grocery we had some detours on the way. Withdrew money. Got some gas.
Later we found ourselves by the parking area at Cherry. After finding a good parking spot I told Yen to lock her door because it was semi-stuck even with the automatic lock. She turned off the aircon while I grabbed my cell. Then I got out of the car and remembered I’m wearing a cap, which I removed and dumped it on my seat. Locked my door, which automatically lock every other door, and help Ate Nida with her door.
After crossing to the other side. I had this feeling that I forgot something.
Something vital.
Keys.
Ooops…
“Shit, I forgot the keys.” I told the other four.
“And I think you also forgot to kill the engine.” Na added.
“Did not.” I retorted.
We walked back to the car and found out to my horror that every door is locked and the engine is indeed running.
“Damn me.”
“Amazing, this never happened before to any of us. And now Atching, after six years of driving you…” Yen was chortling.
“Arghhh! Who has extra keys?” I asked.
“I do.” Yen answered with a smile. “It’s in my wallet.”
“Don’t tell me your wallet is in the car too!”
“Nope.”
“Yeay!” I said happily.
“It’s in my bag, my school bag, which is at home.” She continued.
My spirit plummeted.
“Give me a ruler. I could open it up.” Ate Rose confidently said.
“You can?” I aked her showing my doubt about her and an Orion ruler.
“Yeah. I did it once with your mom’s car…”
I suddenly had a quick vision of mom’s car.
“Err…”
“Let’s just go to Mr. Quickie and have them looked at it.” Ate Nida advised.
“Yeah, good idea.” I said marching on ahead.
“It’s still closed.” Na said.
“Ask the guard if they know anybody who could open it up.”
And with good cheer the guard told the sweeper the problem… and the lady sweeper was the one who called maintenance and told us that the guy who’ll be opening up the doors will be there in a minute.
Na and Ate Nida that they should go on ahead with the shopping.
Ate Rose , Yen and me waited to the maintenance guy, who came with a steel bar curved like a hook.
After fifteen minutes out there in the sun, the guy got it right and we got the keys. Browse at the food. Haggle over which is inexpensive. Looking the other way, when we where at the desert aisle. And paying it all with Nana’s credit card.
“We bought more than a cart of food. Anu tayo? Patay gutom?” Nana asked.
After paying for the grocery, me and Na bought Nilupak. Ate Nida bought Suman. And Yen bought herself a corn in a cup.
Then we accompanied the guy who pushes our grocery to the car. Gave him a tip. And drove off. Bought coconut juice. Went home. Brought all the groceries inside.
“Hey we are all here. Let’s cook lasagna.” I said.
“Cool.”
So Ate Nida and Nana sliced the hotdogs. Alain peeled the onions and garlic. Ate Rose brought some ingredients that we forgot to buy at the grocery. I was cooking the pasta. And Yen, as usual, is taking pictures herself.
While cooking, we had some signs of fluctuations coming and going.
“Atching, the pc keeps on rebooting.” Alain told me when he found me in the dirty kitchen.
“Turn it off. Seems we are having a power failure again.” I told him trying to give my whole concentration on my pasta.
Later. Al Dente!
And Ate Nida just was just finished cooking the sauce at the house kitchen.
So we arranged the lasagna’s layers and put it in the oven.
“Tong-its!!!” Ate Nida fairly screamed in her excitement to play.
“Yeah!” Yen and Na answered at the same time.
So while they were playing cards, I went to the computer and opened it but every time I got to the botting section our electricity will fluctuate thus rebooting our pc for the third time, a time where I gave up.
“The circuit breaker broke again.” I told the lot.
I got three unconcerned nods from the gambling table.
“This sucks.”
Again, three unconcerned nods.
“Ate Rose! Your cellphone is sucking all the power we have!”
“Hah!” she retorted.
“I’m bored.” While trying on the microwave which keeps on dying because it was fluctuating.
Then the phone rang.
It was dad. He was asking if where we will be eating tonight. I told him that we just cooked lasagna. He said he’s already on the diversion road. I told him to hurry up. He told me he will be still going to Caloocan. I told him that about the electricity. He told me that he shall call an electrician. I told him we should watch a movie.
An hour later he arrived bringing foods. Then ordered the gamblers to stop playing and get dress because we will be watching a movie.
We watched The Longest Yard.
Later when we got home, I saw that only the living room lights was on.
After entering the house I saw the TV was on.
“Ate Rose! Is the electricity OK?”, I shouted.
Getting no answer, I went to the microwave and turned it on, to find the answer to my question.
Then the whole house had a black out.
Ooops…

Choco Ate

“Nana. Wake up.” I tapped Nana’s foot. “We need to get ready, it’s seven already.”
It’s Green Hills/ Shopping day.
Today is the day where I shall buy a peasant skirt and top.
My dream shall be fulfilled!
At exactly eight, Raymund came. Bringing with him our chocolate experiment.
Past nine we fetched Isnit by his house. Then we went to Capitol Medical Hospital to accompany Nana with her physical examination. Which we found out when we got there that they don’t do physical examination during weekends.
Yeay, more time for shopping.
By ten we arrived in GH.
Isnit bought some boxer shorts in blue and orange colors. And one in a FEU design.
Go Tamaraws!
Raymund bought wood bracelets.
Nana bought a mini knife for Alain as a birthday present.
I bought a peasant skirt and top which where I was almost strangled by my companions.
Then we went to Circle C to buy Zagu. Isnit bought the complete Lost DVD season 1. I bought Nilupak. Raymund bought Shawarma. Nana bought a dark glasses.
Then we got home and started making chocolate.
It was awesome. Isnit was obsessed with his chocolate Easter Bunnies that I tried to take most of the chocolates and put it in different molders before he could complete his rabbits. Then later the whole house pig out on all the chocolate. I ate so many that I feel nauseous.
Even looking at a chocolate bar in a magazine ad makes me sick.
Then we decided to watch The Skeleton Key, which Isnit left by the middle part because Tita Ini was summoning him. After Isnit left, I slept through most of the movie.
And it was raining.
Then Raymund wanted to watch another movie so we watched Cursed. I have a pounding headache that I also slept through the movie. But hell, I already watched that movie four times now within a month. Then after that the rains wasn’t letting up, so Raymund wanted to watch Seed of Chucky. I told him that I just watched it once so yeah I’m go in watching it again.
I love Chucky.
Then after that Raymund said that he really must be going. So walking him to the gate, we said goodbye.
Then Roy called and asked me to accompany him to Eastwood. All expenses paid. He’ll even pay for my gas. But I told him that I’ll join him if we take a taxi… because I have a pounding headache that seems to have to do something with my eyes. And driving at night is such a strain to my eyes. After that we decided that he should go alone.
After giving him my best in his boy hunting, I called Nana.
I drove her to the hospital.
Then me and Ate Rose went back home talking about how piggish we are.

Skating Through

I was rollerblading around our village this afternoon.
I accompanied Ate Nida and Ate Rose in getting some of our DVD at Ate Nida’s house. Between Ate Nida’s house and ours, they stopped and bought some vegetables at our neighbor's place. I decided to go ahead of them... when I saw Ronald.
I turned around and went back to where Ate where buying some of her vegetables.
And started praying to a higher power that he’ll go straight home and try not to have any small talk with me.
Yes, he went straight home.
Unfortunately, I didn’t know that he lives right where Ate Nida is buying her vegetables.
At the corner of my eye, I could see him staring at me while walking towards me.
Being pummeled since birth to be courteous and polite, I faced him and gave a nod of greeting.
Still staring at me, he keeps on walking.
And tripped at the water drainage.
“Careful.” I said.
Still staring, he keep on walking, and bump his head on the wood which holds the tarpaulin.
Ouch.
I grimaced.
“Nice skates.” He commented, while scratching his head.
“Thanks. I’m trying to get the hang of it.” I said.
“Hey, Ronald!” Ate Rose said in a very loud voice, “You don’t even say hi to me anymore.”
I skated away. Disappear.
Then Ate Nida said that she need to buy something at the other store.
So I again accompanied them, Ate Nida being pregnant.
In about three minutes I saw Ronald again coming my way.
“Here comes Ronald.” I said.
“Why is he coming this way? He never comes this way.” Ate Nida said.
“Hello.” He said when he reached us.
“What are you doing here? You never go this way, you always go the other way around” Ate Nida asked.
“I need to buy something here too.” He answered.
“Right.” Ate Nida said.
“So, this is what love feels like.” He said. “You get excited without any reason as long as you see her.”
There is something phenomenally wrong with this man.
“Do you want me to smack you?” Ate Nida challenged.
“Okay. Let’s go home Ching. I don’t need to buy anything anymore.” Ate Nida said when she found out that the store doesn’t have the ingredients she needs.
“Oh yeah. Me too,” Ronald said, not even asking the store about his stuff. “I don’t need to buy anything yet.”
I just rolled my eyes and skated away.